Let’s Get Ready To Jungle!!

Once again, gluttons for tv punishment will be glued to their televisions as another gaggle of nonentities subject themselves to the most public form of flagellation at the hands of sociopathic host Anton Deck in the Australian Outback.

In addition to the main show, we have ITV’s annual attempt to keep the lukewarm career of celebrity no-mark Joes Wash on the simmer, by giving him the mic for the ‘after’ show on ITV2. This vile offering will give us the usual parade of has-beens & never wases, former Hollyoaks stars mixed with 1st round Britain’s Got Talent Casualties & people who had pictures displayed in the gallery on Vision On.

Anyway, as is the custom on these occasions, where there’s more than one runner, there’s a betting opportunity & here’s the guide to this year’s field & fancies…

Olivia Attwood

Was very grateful when she got the call from the team, as she’d just started interviewing prospective pimps as she was going to have to take her career in another direction if another tv gig didn’t turn up soon. Previously famous for carrying the most Botox onto the Love Island set where she was officially declared a fire hazard & wasn’t allowed near the BBQ

Boy George

77-year-old, former Chameleon Calmer turned eighties popstar, George developed a taste for the best Bolivian Marching Powder when his career hit the skids in the nineties. A couple of testing Bush Tucker trials could see him unscrewing the secret compartment in his tin of shaving foam, getting coked up & talking utter pish for four hours while eating Magnum Choc Ices one after another. 

Michael ‘Mike’ Tindall

Former rugby hardman Mike gets arsey if you say he’s married to the King’s Niece, insisting he’s actually married to ‘the late Queen’s granddaughter’ & nothing whatsoever to do with the ‘Tampax wannabe’ currently squatting in Buck House. Mike’s expecting his posh rugger mates to vote for him to do loads of trials, but that won’t be enough votes to get him doing trials given how deeply unpopular some of the other contestants will be with the general public.

Chris Moyles

Used to be fat, now he’s thin. Used to be popular on the radio, now he’s not, so he needs a long stint in here to revitalize what’s left of his career. Chris is terrified of heights, which indicates he’s also incredibly stupid for signing up for something like this.

Scarlette Douglas 

She’s so afraid of not being noticed she’s decided to spell her name in a particularly stupid way but despite this she’s a presenter on something called a Place in the Sun, where I assume people do various stunts in order to feature in the deeply unpopular Guido Fawkes column in the Murdoch owned rag? Scarlette has more chance of winning the Grand National in all honesty.

Charlene White

Charlene is by all accounts a ‘Loose Woman’ which will please some of the men in camp, especially the ones who slavishly follow their own penises around or look to their penises for ideas of what to do next. Given the show she’s come from, we can assume Charlene is a vile, gobby cow approaching the menopause & will get on everyone’s nerves.

Owen Warner

As per usual, Hollyoaks throws up (literally as well as metaphorically) a contestant. This lad will have teenage girls swooning, but they tend to be too skint to have much impact on the phone votes, so if they are voting to ‘save’ their faves’ this boring looking cunt is toast.

Babatunde Aleshe

This will be a change of scene for this lad, as he’s normally got his fat arse parked on the Gogglebox sofa watching this sort of shit instead of taking part in it. Babatunde has expressed a wish not to be put in a box with snakes & stuff, so we can safely assume the minute he is nominated for a trial, it will involve being put in a box with snakes & stuff. The gormless cunt.

Sue Cleaver

Current star of Coronation Street as the homely, but still shaggable Eileen, who was married to a serial killer, now shacked up with an Undertaker, you could be excused for thinking Sue will only appeal to followers of death cults or Digital spy forum dwellers, but like most old women, she will have a certain appeal to viewers. Many will hope to keep her in as long as possible to ensure her character doesn’t appear in any of the Corrie Christmas episodes to spoil them.

Jill Scott 

Is a retired women’s footballer player, she’s a strange choice because unlike some women’s footballers who feature heavily on tik tok, she doesn’t look like a porno lesbian? 

It’s quite hard to work out why she’s in the camp in all honesty as they are unlikely to require anyone to bend it like Beckham unless Boy George gets on the coke again?

Matt Hancock

Quite a coup for the show this, getting someone on with more pensioner deaths under his belt than Harold Shipman. Hancock was an abject failure as a health secretary, so much so that Rishi Sunak, himself an abject failure as chancellor, completely snubbed him at his recent coronation. Matt clearly resolved to show the world what he’s made of & immediately signed up to eat as many wombat sphincters as humanly possible during his time in the camp. We’re all hoping he has a long stay in camp & maybe it’s not too much to hope he might fall out of a helicopter or something?

Mike Tindall is an obvious favourite, but bitchy Boy George at around 6/1 could be the value poke, especially if he stirs the shit and upsets a nice few of em?

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